Reluctant Cook Pillows

'Will open jars for food.'

'Sorry, but we're going out for dinner.'

"The problem with these instructions is that they assume I have the attention span to actually read something."

"I’ve got to take this. It’s someone who isn’t obsessed with summer fun."

Mall Directory: You are here, but your mind is somewhere else.

"You don't get a lot of work done, Jenkins, but I admire how thoroughly unstressed you are."

Desk boxes: 'In', 'Out', and 'What ever'.

'Liquor will solve this problem, chief!'

Stop staring at that screen saver!

"I want proof that I even need that much iron before I go eating all that spinach."

'I don't want to go school shopping! Can't you just buy stuff for me?. . .Just get me more of this in the next size up!'

'No, officer, I'm not a homeless beggar. I'm just waiting on my wife while she's shopping.'

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this damn committee.'

'I'm sorry I didn't come to work yesterday, sir -- somehow, it seemed like Sunday.'

'You heard! There's no way I'm cooking for you!'

'Before I read the investment committee's report - I would remind everyone that I never asked to be on this committee.'

"My new health plan only allows in network complaining."

'Today was a bit of a disaster.' - 'First I cut my finger and bled everywhere, then I lost my plaster while I was cooking.' - 'Do you want the last bowl of pumpkin soup?' - 'No, it's okay. You go for it.'

'I couldn't decide what to wear to work so I just didn't go.'

Why men hate shopping.

"The boss is on a working vacation and we're on a nonworking vacation."

'That's typical of him, to ruin our first decent night out in ages.'

'Sounds way too complicated, let's phone for a take away.'

"My physical therapist says this is the worst possible position you can lie in."

Recipes From The "I Really, REALLY Hate To Cook" Cookbook

"Oh man. Tia Carmen's making that soup with all those weird vegetables."

The Imperfect Hostess

"Say, Honey, I forgot to tell you that the Snootmyers called...they'll be over for drinks in twenty minutes!"

We're actually looking for someone who just wants to get out of the house.

"We just weren't compatible.Her body-clock was telling her to settle down and have kids,and mine was telling me that the pub was open."

'It's the only way I can get him to help me with the shopping.'

"For Christ's sake, Bob, tuck your shirt in."

"Baldo, I need you to take this out to the dumpster."

Knowing that he was holding yesterday's 7 million lottery ticket,,,

"John's never been a fan of the static caravan."