Religious Instructor Pillows

Pray it Don't Spry it.

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

"I'm afraid I can't green-light anything - you'll just have to pray."

"Guess who brought king cake!"

Church leader at desk has 3 boxes marked 'Black', 'White' and 'Gray Area'.

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"The hyenas started it."

Two priests share a laugh outside a confessional booth

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

'The Lord spake to Moses? You mean voice mail?'

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

"Sometimes Peter I wish it would just stay as water."

"Today we studied Matthew, the first in a four-part series."

Church Library - Pop-Up Books

"Sure - After the aggressive guys wear it all out!"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

"If this Goliath bloke is as big as they say, I can just hang around the forest until he's gone."

". . . I called this meeting to communicate that I had dinner Noah..."

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

"So, if the Pope is pious, what kind of pie is he... apple?"

"Bible lessons are best taught in the context of faith. There's no need to add 'based on a true story.'"

"It turns out you can 'take it with you' if you pack correctly."

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

My mother says the bible is full of good people, like Moses, who brought kindness to the world. That alone makes it a worthy basis for morality in today's world. Moses, Numbers 31:9-18(NIV), look it up.

'Wow! It didn't take long to lose that new ark smell.'

'My husband? -- He went to the theologically-challenged place.'

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

Moses as a child.

"Moses, some of the people are requesting gluten free manna."