Religion Professor Pillows

Decisions a Pope makes

'And who told you to give the Holy Shroud a good wash?'

"Not sure that's the graven image of Baal we were looking for."

"Guess who brought king cake!"

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

"Well, we needed the rain."

"Sometimes Peter I wish it would just stay as water."

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

"It's cool – God told us to!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

A surprise in heaven

"O Lord—why art thou such a drama queen?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

"You think two weeks in isolation is hard?"

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"Drop everything, Dominic. I need you to proof this for blasphemy."

"Perhaps if you guys just swam along behind us for a while."

"It's either the Ten Commandments or the Mueller Report."

Bible Bloopers

"It turns out you can 'take it with you' if you pack correctly."

'We'd better speed up the Eve project -- Adam's got himself an imaginary playmate.'

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

'My husband? -- He went to the theologically-challenged place.'

Noah's ark, many lions

'Wow! It didn't take long to lose that new ark smell.'