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Decisions a Pope makes

'And who told you to give the Holy Shroud a good wash?'

"Not sure that's the graven image of Baal we were looking for."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

"Guess who brought king cake!"

"It's OK, I'm preordained."

You got that beer that the monks make, didn't you?

"Um, I notice there's nothing in here about pork."

"The hyenas started it."

"Well, we needed the rain."

After 39 years, 11 months, 28 days, Moses finally received the GPS he ordered from Amazon.

"Sometimes Peter I wish it would just stay as water."

"It's cool – God told us to!"

"Today, I'll be cherry-picking from Deuteronomy."

'You'll never believe this - they've found the actual body of Jesus!'

A surprise in heaven

"O Lord—why art thou such a drama queen?"

"What? You broke number 3 already?"

"They're SUPPOSED to have a disparate impact!"

'No, smart guy -- it means all of them at once!'

'Tell us the story of Moses again -- I like the chase scene!'

"You think two weeks in isolation is hard?"

"Ma, what does 'kosher' mean?"

The World's Biggest Book Club

"This Adam and Eve thing -- Is there a warranty?"

'Look, I never said salvation would be PRETTY!'

"Mainstream? Who's to say what's mainstream?"

"Drop everything, Dominic. I need you to proof this for blasphemy."

'Number three?', 'This is NOT a quiz!'

'We'd better speed up the Eve project -- Adam's got himself an imaginary playmate.'

"It turns out you can 'take it with you' if you pack correctly."

"I wonder how many people are claiming to be your messiah right now?"

'Wow! It didn't take long to lose that new ark smell.'

"But you can eat as much as you want from the tree of bullshit."

'My husband? -- He went to the theologically-challenged place.'