Relationship Laugher Pillows

Husband check

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

Alas poor Daisy, I knew her well!

"And when you realized it was the wrong tree, why do you think you kept barking up it?"

Police Lineup Escape

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

'It's funny - I'm a Bourbon, but I've always preferred Scotch.'

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

'As a boss you'll find me hard, but fair. Actually, that's only half true.'

'...And zap him quick, before that bleeding-heart Governor gets back from vacation.'

Decision on the flip of a coin...

'Never go berry pickin' on an empty stomach.'

"Oh, I'm sorry, Berger. I must have accidentally pressed the 'Sycophant' button."

'Just a little off the top.'

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

"You've been around here longer than I have. What are 'congressional ethics'?"

"I'm certain you're fine, but my attorney would like to see you naked."

"I don't care how it's pronounced, I want it."

'ARRGH! Run for it lady!' 'A swarm of Bs!!' A guy running away from a swarm of the actual letter B

Coast to coast.

The Gingerbread Man's cousin, the hash cookie man.

'I said, I think I know whey you're finding it lonely at the top.'

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

'What kind of person would tell his best friend to go and fetch his stinky old slippers?'

"I did follow my bliss. It wandered around in circles and then ended up at an Arby's in Hoboken."

"We have testimony that you walk like a duck and you quack like a duck. Tell the court - are you a duck?"

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'It's a tweet from heaven. They say if we don't stop watching them, they're going to tell God.'

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'Don't tell me we live in a litigious society... I ought to sue you for saying that!'

"You're the only one I know stilling calling people 'Uber' this and 'Uber' that."

Q. U. E.. F. The only time I know when they've been apart is when he was in "Iraq."

'I can't get this laptop to work.'

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"