Liability Laugher Pillows

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

"I warned you not to use that club...now look, you struck oil!"

"Hire a cost cutting, bad-guy consultant to turn me into a good guy during the layoffs."

The breakup

'To show you I'm not all bad, I won't be letting you go until after 'Bring Your Child To Work Day'.'

"Eureka!!" "Guess again, Einstein."

Police Lineup Escape

'As a boss you'll find me hard, but fair. Actually, that's only half true.'

"It was a typical 'His lawyer said/Her lawyer said' situation."

'...And zap him quick, before that bleeding-heart Governor gets back from vacation.'

"We the jury, find the defendant to be as guilty as he looks."

Decision on the flip of a coin...

"Oh, I'm sorry, Berger. I must have accidentally pressed the 'Sycophant' button."

'Just a little off the top.'

"A cashier told me to have a nice day and I didn't. Am I liable or can I sue her?"

"I'm certain you're fine, but my attorney would like to see you naked."

"You've been around here longer than I have. What are 'congressional ethics'?"

'Ooops. Any chance we could blame this on El Nino or climate change?'

'I said, I think I know whey you're finding it lonely at the top.'

Jury Bribes.

'But we've got laws on the books now that we can't enforce!'

'Litigate not, least ye be litigated against!'

'The Wedge. I thought you asked me for the Wedgie.'

Husband check

'What kind of person would tell his best friend to go and fetch his stinky old slippers?'

"We have testimony that you walk like a duck and you quack like a duck. Tell the court - are you a duck?"

"I thought you said you were watching your weight!"

'Don't tell me we live in a litigious society... I ought to sue you for saying that!'

Please Keep Pets on Leash.

'I drank to a lawyer's health, and now he's slapped me with a malpractice suit.'

You did what? I posted your last will and testament on all the social networks. Now everyone knows you left your feminine hygiene products to the Smithsonian. Why would you do that you @#$%^?! Ugly picture taken. Posting to Facebook … now. Well-played, cretin.

'We're looking for a mother figure.'

"Yes, they offer free delivery. But when an on-line seller laughs, does their belly shake like a bowl full of jelly?"

'Both prosecution and defense must submit any unwritten laws in writing.'

'Never ever will I move by train again.'