Relationship Irony Admirer Pillows

'I should have seen it coming - my best man was her lawyer!'

'You're going to have to make some changes in your lifestyle.'

"We're at the top of the food chain and rulers of all we survey. What could possibly go wrong?"

"Hey, remember a few days ago, when all this was unacceptable?"

"Just don’t tell the other vultures. I’ll never hear the end of it."

He avoids wrath, envy, lust, greed, gluttony and sloth -- the problem is he's proud of it!

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

"Our new information management system has just worked out where we wasted most money last year. . . It was on the new information management system."

'Tomorrow we'll look back on this as a night to remember.'

"I'm afraid he left everything to charity... Oh, I see. I take it your name's Charity?"

"Day 736. Still loving the fact that I can smoke all over this island..."

'Do you know how fast you were going?'

Their relationship was doomed to fail. She was frigid, and his arms were too short to rub one out.

"The UWS association for the advancement of A.I."

"The bad news is we've fired 80% of your office. The good news is we're fixing the coffee machine."

'Good luck, everyone! Maybe this will be the year somebody finishes the race!'

'And then, just to humor the guy I said 'I need a hug', little thinking that the big gorilla would do just that.'

"Here comes the quote unquote dog whisperer."

'Don't worry it's organic...'

"The last one is Uncle Charlie. He was pardoned in 1987."

Caution: ironic literal proverb ahead (fork in the road)

"Beats me. They put up the sign and went to their panic room."

Met Office: Wet today and dry tomorrow.

'The company I ran was non-profit, but that wasn't intentional.'

'Do you have to be so melodramatic?'

"The best things in life are free. The rest are married."

'I'm Bored'

Buy Back the Junk We Bought at Your Garage Sale

'I think I'll wait for the movie.'

Moses' TV guide.

"I hear post apocalyptic trilogies are all the rage again."

Freddie's water

'Sorry Bruce, but we have to stop seeing each other: I've changed, you have to understand...'

"We reserve the right to refuse service to anyone."

"Ambitions... to fly away to a tropical paradise."