Regret Pundit Gifts

"I found out the hard way what a short hop it is from 'Seize the Day' to 'Seize the Money!'"

"England losing from a penalty shootout again!"

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

Stop and Birch

"Hear ye! Hear ye! Look, having nuclear - my uncle was a great professor and scientist and engineer, Dr. John Trump at M.I.T. - good genes, very good genes, O.K., very smart. . ."

'I think our only choice at this point is to take the next big step.'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

"With the benefit of hindsight, I’d say no, Ed, it wasn’t ‘funny’ letting him steer the boat!"

'It Kicked!' - 'Punt, Drop or Tad?'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

"I could have been a big celebrity but for my fear of public speaking."

'I could have made money in the stock market if I had only found the right 'How to invest' book...'

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

"I wouldn't mind, but I only topped the bloomin' thing up last week!"

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

'Ed' 'Op-ed'

'You're going to stitch me up in this interview aren't you?'

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

Follow England mate, they're always crap!

"You know our 'Never-Overwhelm-The-Reader' policy. Your story is irrelevant, trivial and stupid but not irrelevant, trivial and stupid enough."

Old soldiers never die. They just become TV pundits.

"You're not fooling me. I can spot 'fake mews'."

New Dross, Same as the Old Dross

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

Voice of the GOP

"Of course my main concern is how the situation in Eastern Europe will affect the pennant race."

'Look! If I wave these around I can generate electricity!'

Well, since your sentence is only for five years, you might as well go on home now.

'It's second-rate writing but luckily there's thousands of second-rate readers. . .'

"I just wish I hadn't spent most of my life reading the comments below online news articles"

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'