Record Producer Gifts

Bombast records 'In' tray and 'Phat' tray

'The perfect country star...'

'Has your group got a name yet?'

"Mark my words, son, you're going to be massive"

Hot Little Demo Disc

The decline and fall of the recording industry.

Bell out of order - please rap.

The producer of the nature sounds albums tries to organize a world tour.'

'Have a cigar, rolled on the thighs of a boyband member...'

"Just play the hit single, then you can do the experimental track."

'He really wanted to get into the zombie role, so he became a Meth-Head actor.'

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

Showbiz Awards

"I kid you not, blood was oozing from the walls! Unfortunately, it was fake: I had stumbled on the set of a horror movie..."

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

Producer, Director and Novelizer.

"I'll do the movie but I want to be highly compensated and highly acclaimed."

Herman Mankiewicz

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"After the show, I'll be autographing any computer or phone screens where my albums are streamed."

Men looking at black screen, "I call it film noir"

"Think of it as buying in – not selling out."

"Hey grandpa, tell us more about the time you were in that Steven Spielberg movie."

'Big audio gear is coming back!'

Working in the Hazard Zone!

"I remember when the death of the hero meant the end of the sequels. Now it marks the beginning of the prequels."

'Okay, folks, that's a wrap!'

"All our extras are ex-soccer players - they're the best at dramatically faking injuries."

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

"I'm sorry, we're looking for the voice of a spunky animated turnip and your reading is more fruit than vegetable if you understand what I mean."

"Same story every morning - 'Can you come and fix our windmill?'..."

'Being a superhero doesn't mean that everything about me is super you know!'

"Boy, this blooper reel from 'Manchester by the Sea' is a crack-up."

"It's basically the 'Tragedy of King Lear' but with animated penguins."