Recall Junkies Pillows

TV announcement: 'The Consumer Product Safety Commission today announced the recall of all E-Z Reclino-Mat chairs sold between ...'

"Let me assure you that my congressional delegation and I are devoting our full attention to the harmful effects of e-cigarettes. . ."

Person with eyes focused on a computer screen.

100 best beheadings

"It's either the Ten Commandments or the Mueller Report."

'For five years you can't get a single politician to take any notice of you...and then half a dozen turn up at once!'

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, despite how bad it's going to screw you?"

Dermatologist reading a 'Journal of Itchcraft'.

"You should run for president."

Say what? Johnnie Cochran died in 2005?

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

We Never Look at Prices Shop.

'So what if few limp-wristed girlie men think we're too extreme!'

Corporate person hood!

Trumpcare is buried by the House and Senate while Obamacare remains alive.

"He just doesn't know what to do with himself since he got elected to Congress."

The Last Republican in America

Wage Slavery

Well, those election results certainly surprised me. Me too, little buddy. But that's because when I went to sleep last night, I had a dream … that Robert F. Kennedy had lived, he appointed Carl Sagan as science advisor and head of NASA, Sagan took us to Mars in 1991, and Donald Trump spent the rest of his days founding casinos and selling real estate degrees on the red planet. Meanwhile, in the 2016 election, Martin Luther King Jr. narrowly defeated Sonny Bono. I just meant I'd forgotten we wer

"I'm going out on a limb here, and sincerely apologize to my constituents today for the misappropriations and bribes I will take if I'm elected governor."

"Politicians can't make the trains run on time but they never miss the gravy train."

'Sorry, but I do not recall that incident either.'

'Boy or girl, straight or gay - I don't care as long as it's science-literate and non-republican.'

Gas Pedal Sticking?

Dog defendant and cat jury - The Rigged Jury

Senate ethics committee - no fatties!

'Last quarter, Jeremy, you dropped two passes. Could you tell our viewers how you plant to catch this pass?'

Stop Staring at Me!

'Who cares about some stupid sex scandal? -- Let's talk about global warming!'

'He's practicing for his appearance before the congressional committee on torture.'

"We've just crossed the line between binge viewing and OCD viewing."

If there were no religion...s

'Thanks for tuning in - we'll try to pander to you.'

"It'll never work—you're a moviegoer and I'm a film buff."

"Experts agree - we need a tax increase."