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Santa Claus does not exist - Satan

'It creeps me out when he watches the History Channel and takes notes!'

No, you idiots, they don't include a "comments" section.

"It's amazing, Darlin', just how fast the kids grow up!"

'Noticeboard? I forgot it was there to be honest.'

"It seems my fear of death has been replaced by my fear of politics."

The Anti-Agent

Occu-Pie Mars

"1984 by George Orwell. Project 2025. Presidential transition project."

"In the first place, it isn't "maddening crowd.' It's 'madding crowd.' "

"And the last little piggy cried, 'Oui, oui, oui' all the way home."

"Are you insane?!" The Velveteen Skunk

"Can I borrow the car keys?"

'I remember when you used to look for answers using your astute powers of deduction.'

'Reading, writing and arithmetic are important, son. Someday you might sign autographs for money.'

'My penmanship has really improved since I got a laser printer.'

'I'm reading aloud, Jeremy - My lips are SUPPOSED to be moving!'

'Am I being too suspicious or do you think it's possible that they're crooked?'

'Let's not go by the book.'

"Staff support"

Mike (The Situation) is rumored to have written the original manuscript for his best-selling memoir entirely out of bronzer.

"That's the guy I hired to read Proust for me."

"Yes. I said 2 by 2, but you needed to use 2 by 4s for the Ark...begin again."

Copycats

I should be a writer when I grow up...

'Couldn't Peter claim Mr. McGregor's garden was an 'attractive nuisance?'

Bob encounters one of the bugs in the Jean Paul Sartre fan website.

"Too bad about old Ainsworth. Published and published, but perished all the same."

Blue Stockings - Woman revealing herself as author

Hey, calm down --- Now, what did you say again?

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

'Peter the Flying Hippo is my favorite storybook character without any merchandising tie-ins.'

James Bond in a Snow Globe

"Have you been on the moon again, young man?"

"Go ahead and eat her, she's a pain in the a**."