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Armchair quarterback/Armchair everything

"Tight......this isn't tight...now a New York City apartment......that's tight."

Thought for today: "All the world's a stage." - Shakespeare. And boy, are there a lot of drama critics.

"Why don't we switch off the news and give Brexit up for Lent?"

Wifi in Hell

"You know, there are other emojis."

The Cougher

"I thought they were cracking down on jaywalking."

"This is a neighbourhood vigilante area."

Taking Credit after Voting against Stimulus

"It's good to know she was butchered for a noble cause."

"Yes, one is a dog."

'Amazing! We truly do live in a classless society.'

"Lori, go ahead and toss in 'Lolita.' Now, what's next?" "We'll need more lighter fluid." "'The Lottery' is devils work." "We must protect the children." "Book burning club"

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

'Gimme a Canadian club on the rocks!'

"You be the moral grandstander and I'll be the politically incorrect troll."

"Instead of singing, I'm going to scream offensive things as loud as I can just to get attention..."

"The peasants are revolting Sire."

"Day 4,261... I don’t know how much longer I can survive. Still no signs of civilization. Food is scarce and I fear the wound on my ankle is infected. Still, all this pales in comparison to the horror of having to be anywhere at any particular time."

"Let's face it. The only play you've ever liked is 'Stop the World - I Want to Get Off.'"

Armageddon

'You don't have to be a boring bastard to work here but it helps.'

"Will follow you on social media for food."

"It's Dr. Sadie. Go ahead, caller." "Yeah, how come you haven't said 'Merry Christmas' yet?" "Oh, that’s because I was hoping to provoke everyone who’s upset about the so-called 'war on Christmas' to spend all their time on hold waiting to castigate me. That way, all the normal people who don’t think Christmas is just another chance to play the victim can open their gifts in peace." "You're welcome, America." "Why haven't you played 'Jingle Bells' yet?"

'Son, voting isn't a rational procedure by which one strategically selects an electable candidate who will best serve your interests. Voting is an emotional response to your gut level fears!'

'We're out of earshot now, so you can drop the phoney, Oxbridge accent.'

Kid arrives with CCTV camera, saying: 'It followed me home, can we keep it?'

'And she's got to have implants out to here.'

"Wait, wait, back up, back up. Who the #!@! is George Orwell?"

'Seesh...I'm really tired of how men are always depicted as clueless dolts!!...I didn't say it's inaccurate, just that I'm tired of seeing it...'

'Let's go to your place. I cook, I clean and then we can have a meaningful shag.'

After defeating terror, George and his friends declare war on mild irritation and clouds.

"Stand up, honey. The president's on. You're committing treason."

Can't even hold signs well.