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'Your community service sentence starts now. Get a bucket and sponge and wash the car in my assigned parking space.'

'The pioneers opened the frontier, but it wasn't legal until brave lawyers blazed the paper trail!'

"Well, heck! If all you smart cookies agree, who am I to dissent?"

'Your honor, I'd like a short recess so my client can make a run for it.'

'Oh, objection, objection, objection - what is it this time, Counselor?'

'Someday we'll look back on this and think, ‘Why the hell didn't we sue?' '

I Litigate Therefore I Am.

"She left everything to you. But, the hamster is contesting the will."

"In my client's defence, the label on the bottle clearly read, 'rat poison'...not 'people poison'."

'Sir, we have a problem. The attorney section is totally overcrowded!' (demon to Satan)

"It's not good, Jack. She's after the house, the condo, custody, half your retirement $ 12,000 a month and she still wants a pound of flesh."

"Objection, your honor! Prosecution is playing the blame game!"

White House P.R. - Out To Smear the FBI & Mueller.

"What a great day to be alive and not under indictment."

'It wasn't me - but I'm sure whoever did it had a good reason. Looks, charm and 10 aliases only get you so far.'

'The jury have instructed me to say that they expected a rather more spicy case.'

"Loved ones scared to death by monsters? Call the law offices of Frank N. Stein..."

When I was a kid watching "Perry Mason" on tv, I always knew that when I grew up I'd spend a lot of time in courtroom. The only part I had wrong was that I always assumed I would be the defendant. ! !

Have you ever sued anyone for slander or libel, Randy? Indeed I have, little buddy. It was 1979. Francis Melba stood up in the middle of the cafeteria and accused me - in front of all the other kids - of being "nothing special." So I stood atop my table, ripped my shirt in two, slowly smoothed out my mustache, and then proceeded to flex my pecs, one at a time. HOJ. The sunlight streaming in through the windows scattered off my bouncing pecs like a disco ball. That's when Melba knew he was toast.

Innocent bystanders are real tough to convict: 'You saw it happen, why didn't you do anything?'

Law Offices: Slip & Trip & Fall formerly Slip & Fall.

Dreary counsel sending the judge and jury to sleep

Panic attack outside the courthouse

"OK, state of New Mexico vs. Alex Baldwin, take two... aaaand ACTION!"

'I realize that hearsay evidence isn't admissible by the court, Your Honor, but you're going to love this!'

'Of course I speak with forked tongue. I'm a lawyer!'

Surprised witness

'You're on trial for grand theft larceny -- you can't choose to remain anonymous!'

"I was innocent but the jury thought I looked really guilty."

"Charges on misogyny, xenophobia and sexual assault. Guilty or innocent?"

Mortmain

"Well, shoot, if I didn't get this last - minute stay of execution for you, who did I get it for?"

'I cut a deal. Seven years. Even less if I ever remember to mail in this ‘Get two years off' rebate coupon.'

CRIMINAL COURT, 'Don't you just HATE it when they show no emotion?'

"..political correctness should over ride established precedents."