Reading Business Satire Gifts

'Most impressive. I noticed under 'Hobbies' you wrote, 'Greed'.'

"Looks like we found the issue."

'The 'insourcing' will go ahead and some jobs will be off to Leeds or Manchester, but I think I'll be safe...'

"Remember the golden rule: more buzzwords, less real words."

"I was just going to say, 'Well, I don't make the rules.' But, of course, I do make the rules."

'You're my best man, Pomeroy, so I've decided to sell the damn company.'

"Third quarter numbers were good after we cut our global workforce three to two."

'OK, team, let's review: when the arrow goes down, it means...?

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"And isn't it time we replaced the worn-out, meaningless cliches in our mission statement with some dazzlingly new meaningless cliches?"

'The Board has chosen you to handle the restructuring because you have no heart.'

Lethal Presentation

"We have an acronym!"

Boss to worker taking out wallet: 'It's only fair, Pete. Last year, we shared profits!'

'Pssst! Straighten up, here come the bigwigs.'

"On the plus side, I finally have a key to the executive washroom."

"And you can rest assured that your problem is being ignored at the very highest levels."

'No matter how cynical I become, I can't keep up.'

'The cash bonus incentives don't appear to be having the desired results. So, I've hired Rocky, here. He'll be providing the heads of the least productive departments with his own brand of incentive. If you know what I mean.'

Personally, I was hoping for more from the intermediary process.'

'Bit of a staffing problem, Boss. We haven't got any left.'

"And best of all, it comes fully loaded!"

We're cutting the forest in half, so I'm going to need you to make the oxygen of two trees.

'How did the 'I want you all to take a pay cut or leave' strategy go down?'

'Before we starnt, has everyone shed their moral baggage?'

'Hey, the quarter wasn't so bad after all.'

'Excellent!...We've been looking to hire someone who can think outside the box.'

'I'm surprised you like being your own boss. I am your boss and I hate it.'

"Yes, we have a retirement plan. It's called a layoff."

"You're a great team player - so we're trading you."

'I think it is our duty to fully-experience the excess profits.'

"On a positive note, he's not our boss. He's the guy who stole our boss's identity."

Non-Power Breakfast

"He'll do anything to say in power."

'Not exactly what I meant by job creation.'