Raisin Skeptic Pillows

'Is that the picky eater website?'

'Assuming their porridge was poured at the same time, how could it then be too hot, too cold and just right?'

Department of No One Could Have Anticipated

"The mad king ruled by chaos and corruption. He pitted everyone against each other, and they all lived divisively ever after. The end."

'Do I have to give thanks for all the spinach, or just the bite I'm going to eat?'

"Stop undressing me with your eyes."

'Thanks, but no. It just doesn't add up.'

Cupid's Valentine

'I think he's in too much pain to answer!'

An everything bagel? You call this an everything bagel?

"It would never work out- we're from two totally different tiers of the upper middle class."

"Well, really, there's nothing that would stop us from actually working. It's just tradition that has us drones lazing around."

'I've got SO much on my plate right now, Steve - Ask me again when I'm fifty.'

"What would I have to do to be sent to my room without just the Brussels sprouts?"

"It's a game changer. . . carrots and hummous batons but we've managed to make them out of sugar."

"I just had a terrifying glimpse into our snack."

'Come on, dad...why would anyone follow a witch into a gingerbread house? It clearly wasn't built to code.'

"Please, no more movies about feelings."

'I'm glad I don't like spinach because if I liked it I'd eat it and I hate the stuff!'

"Of course no one is drinking the wine - it's the Murder Mystery Writers Association."

Bacon Makes Everything Better/Raisins Make Everything Worse

'Forty years is as much 'Happily Ever After' as I can tolerate.'

'That 'multiplication table' seems contrived to me!'

"If I can't be honest with you, Cheryl, who can I pretend to be honest with?"

"So, fifty percent loved the advert!" "That's right...I did, but my wife didn't."

'HOLD ON! You're telling me that out of the whole population, in an entire kingdom, this glass slipper fitted just ONE person?!'

"I made a new year's resolution to eat spinach. If I can't stand it, I'll give it up for Lent."

The green shoots of recovery, and other fairy tales.

'Who wants another slice of Brussel Sprout...?'

"Hey, what do you say we just skip Valentine's Day this year?"

"Forget the glass slipper thing. I've just installed the Tinderella app."

"The Honeymoon Suite sounds perfect. My wife will need a room too."

Sleeping beauty is awakened by prince not-so-charming.

Imaginary boyfriends are best.

'What do WE need a love seat for?'