Quirky Priority Admirer Pillows

'Please, just wipe my mind not my posh accent!'

Lactose Intolerant

"Our bond is stronger because we chose each other."

Book Me!

"Herb's from Texas."

He'll never melt. I made him from fast food milkshakes.

'First, let me apologize for suggesting you throw horseshoes as therapy.'

Clydesdale never misses a beat.

"You know that thing where you stand like a statue, then move real fast, then stand like a statue again? You totally stole that from me."

'It's yet another customer survey asking about our last oil change. Was it poor, fair, very good, blissful or orgasmic?'

'Remember, Harvey, the salesman said to not stay in the hot tub too long.'

Welcome centre

'Of course it's efficient - it's a flowchart.'

'Well, Dear, if you must roam about the house dressed as a chicken, that's fine, but please close the drapes when you do!'

"You paid to have a grain of sand named after me? You're such an idiot."

Old lady posts adverts for fur gloves over poster of a lost cat,

"That tie, Merrick. It's not your friend."

Gravestone Epitaph - 'One surreal gag too far.'

'I know we asked for a room with running water,but...'

Frank Gehry's backyard

optician

"I don't think the new guy is working out."

'Elevator'

It's the thought that counts: Totally useless gifts.

"Damn it, Eddie! Not during the getaway, too!"

Weasal

"Dylan needs a classroom where I don't have to talk to any of the other mothers."

"I am here on behalf of a concerned caller, why are you wearing shorts in winter?"

"That explains your percentage of bat DNA."

"The tests confirmed my suspicions, Mr. White. In the past few months, you've developed a small but apparently harmless cult following."

Giant Cat in the Sky

'I can't afford a season ticket and clothes.'

Missing persons - "So he was due back yesterday after going out for a paper twelve months ago."

Victimless crime support.