Quirky Phobia Appreciator Pillows

'I have a phobia of couches'

"You don't know me well enough to not care how I look."

My parents ate New York and all I got was this stupid t-shirt

'I'm not sure which I like best - the fake fire or the fake man with brandy glass in front of it.'

"Well, this isn't really going anywhere if you don't like public displays of affection."

"Overkill, dude."

God with Earth Controller

"Your animal companionship is here!"

Cheesie Rider

"I'm a monster."

'I'm just curious, which one of you was dropped off by their boyfriend on a really fast motorcycle?'

"Pencil eraser."

Mummy Shrink.

"Oh, I don't do the test myself Sir: Doctor Vampire does it..."

Man leaves sperm bank. Woman says: 'Thanks, do come again.'

"Curiosity."

Food chain.

"Me? I'm taking the dog for a silly walk."

'Yes, Super-Supreme pizza... Delivered please...'

The songwriter who wrote a bridge about his bridge.

"Don't make eye contact. Don't make eye contact. Don't...."

Pianist.

"We're making progress."

"Since no one showed up, I'll keep my remarks brief."

'I can't tag him, he keeps his watches there.'

"Psychiatric emergency service? Please come fast, I have one here who believes in me!"

A cat draws a picture of a sleeping man

"High Fashion"

A cat and a dog are embarrassed to find themselves on an elevator together.

'For claustrophobia. Take two tablets right before hiding under the bed.'

"You know that thing where you stand like a statue, then move real fast, then stand like a statue again? You totally stole that from me."

Recession the plus side: embarrassing 'water cooler moments' less frequent.

'Freudian slip '