Quirky Linguist Gifts

"Standard equipment includes the Manual Anti-Collision Sonic Warning System...otherwise known as the horn."

'Today I learned a little grammar in the classroom and LOTS of vocabulary on the playground!'

It's not like you to be late... Forgot to set my alarm cock. (Alarm cock? What did you say that for?!)

If you bathe a skunk in tomato juice, it will smell like a dog. A bird in the hand is better than two in your shorts. Never wear aqua after Thanksgiving. Unconventional wisdom.

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

Pigeon Little

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

'If, as you say, they're so evolved, why do they need to wear clothes to survive?'

'Dial 1-900-Fortune.'

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

Reverse psychology

Bob's Marriage Advice: 'Geez, Bob. . . Now you're equating both marriage living in Florida to death?!!. . .Ah. . . so the restraining order by Disneyworld is still in effect?'

"I'm sorry, but you didn't recognize me as the Messiah when I had braces and glasses."

'Come on Jill, they say the water's well good.'

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.

'In today's market hyperbole was up sharply. Similes and metaphors held relatively steady with euphemisms hitting another record low.'

"Let's see now: All dogs have four legs. I have four legs. Therefore, I am a dog."

"No, I don't think you have 'multiple personality disorder'. In fact, I don't think you have a personality at all."

"I'd love to go out with you. Do I have to have time to change."

"And I never kiss in the first two seconds."

"Has it occurred to you that you keep getting beaten up because that's your true purpose in life?"

Shrewsbury - pronunciation

"I've been in the doghouse ever since I tried to get my mother-in-law hanged as a witch."

'Take this stick-drive and open the file 'John's Emotional Baggage'. It'll save a lot of time.'

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"Is it just me, right, is it just me ...?"

"The most obvious side-effect of having a chip implanted in my brain is a constant craving for onion dip."

Jeffrey's Time Machine: '...I want to go back and see what the world was like when people weren't so stupid and annoying!'

"Tell me about yourself. Any weird genes or anything?"

"Remember that ultimately we must answer to Chairs."

"Want to score some flu shots.?"

'I just like tequila for the worm.'

'It's not so much you having a cockroach problem - it's more along the lines of us having a human problem.'