Quirky Lifestyle Commentator Pillows

'That's the thing when you start living with someone - you discover all of their little habits.'

"You know how it is, one minute I'm selling insurance in South Dakota and the next minute I have a hook for a hand. How about you?"

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"I swapped my 'couch to 5k' training app for a '5k to couch' one!"

Optimist

"Shower beers? Aisle eight."

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

"When Harold first said he identified as a balloon animal I thought it was just a phase, but here we are fifteen years later and it seems to be working."

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

Expressions of mystery.

'After the age of fifty the 'c' word always means colonoscopy.'

Goodnight Social Media.

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"You might call it shoplifting officer, but I prefer to think of it as foraging."

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

"Eric, this is your father, mister Trump." "You must have the wrong number. I'm Mortimer Park."

"Well your results would be normal if you were a 108 and smoked a 60 a day!"

"You were smart to come see, Mr. Lewis. These moles on your back definitely look suspicious."

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

Yeah, I'm standing here alone yelling a bunch of nonsense. If I had a cell phone, you wouldn't bother me!

'I need my lifestyle validated.'

'I like it.'

'A shocking report shows more marriages are ending in divorce than decapitation. Could this be the end of traditional marriage, as we know it? More on that. . .after the break!'

Renaissance Zone

"You're not supposed to answer her when she talks to us."

'I'm worried about my brother, doctor!'

'Slow and hurl.'

Funeral for a Cartoonist

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

T-Shirts. Just do it. Just watch it.