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'I see Charlie's moonlighting again.'

'And I see you've listed opposable thumbs as your greatest asset...'

The world's most unemployable family

'We're looking for someone to liven up our Monday morning job meetings. Can you handle it Chuckles?'

'Says here you can tear phonebooks in half? Well, security could use a man like you in our shredding department!'

"Well, you certainly seem to have a lot to offer this company, and, of course, the truffles are a hell of a plus."

'I let my merit badges do the talking.'

'Smith, where exactly did you get your experience in 'Hedge Fund Management'?'

"What sets you apart from other candidates?"

Urine Catcher

"And the hiring committee was very impressed with your no nonsense attitude during the interview."

That's a great suggestion, Harris, unfortunately I'm not open to suggestions right now.

"I work well independently. I usually correct all the problems I create."

"He's at grade level for everything except cursing. He's swearing at a 9th grade level."

'Man, I gotta find a new gig!'

True, I've seen plenty of padded resumes, but very few bejeweled resumes.

"An MBA, a PhD, AND good at catching mice? Wow!"

Dexter Flynn, Taxidermy Attorney.

Exciting suggestion in 'suggestion box'.

'I can assure you Mr. Rumplestilkskin, weaving straw into gold is a skill we can certainly use...'

"Phelps, I hope I'm not insulting you when I say you're an incompetent nincompoop."

'Arthur loves his new job with the fairground - gets a company car as well.'

'And what do you do for a living Gary?' 'I'm a Puppeteer.'

"...I'm available for interview, at your convenience!"

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

'What training do I get?'

'I think I've finally found my own niche.'

'You'll find, Smith, that there's a very relaxed atmosphere in this office.'

'My mum can play the piano by ear.'

"Mum, can I work in a morgue"

"I've decided to let you work from home, as long as you move in here and pay me rent."

Latrinologist

Baggage Claim: Anyone Who Knows How To Hot-Wire A Car.

PERSONNEL, 'This is terribly embarrassing -- I've been married so many times, I've forgotten my maiden name.'

"Any other strengths?"