Quirky Host Gifts

"I'm starting to think that no one else is coming."

"Have some more tea, Mrs. Van Sickleford. Wendell is going to show you his mastodon tusk."

'I throw lots of parties... But I insist on only serving canned pumpkin and crystal clear cola.'

I just LOVE these giant mushroom caps. They can be real conversation stoppers just when you need them.

"Just another 50 decibels on your grunt and we can start to think about letting you hit a few balls!"

"Yes, I'm from London. 'Which part?' you ask. Well all of me!"

'Okay, is there anybody else whose homework ate their dog?'

'This is one of our most recent vintages!'

Dinner at the Trapdoors

A tortoise toboggans down a hill in its shell

Don't swallow. I've lost a contact.

'He's a superior breed - He always drinks thru' a straw!'

'Thou shalt not steal...except for bases.'

"Walk, hell- I gotta dance."

"I don't know what else we can do. He won't look up from the screen!"

'But you know I don't have brand loyalty for anyone but you!'

"Go ahead. Press one for more options."

Glance Exchange

"Do you see that inexplicably beautiful hydrangea over there?… Nature calls."

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

"How fresh is the calamari?"

While old, sick, and weak animals remained targets, the lions most enjoyed culling the herd of its sarcastic teenagers.

"To be honest, I don't mind the cold, and being an introvert, and slightly antisocial, I really treasure the quiet time when the others have flown south..."

"She likes to be included, so I told her the tea is called 'Squirrel Grey.'"

'He attained Nirvana in two weeks? - he's GOTTA be using steroids!'

"Someone throw him a punchline!"

Optimist

"It's just a tree."

Competitive Eating Competition Competitive Vomiting Competition,

"As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from restless dreams, transformed into a monstrous vermin, he thought to himself: never again bourbon and tequila in the same night, and this time, I mean it."

STRIP God' s dog urinating on planet Earth

"How about a hand."

'This is a wind-up, isn't it?'

"I cross the road to forget."

My wife's been talking to the skin I shed for over an hour.