Quirky Congregant Pillows

"We should start a church where we only read the parts of the bible that are never read in church."

"I said he's beginning to teethe...not tithe."

"Freshly ground pepper?"

"I've heard great things about your church. Thought I would visit and say keep up the good work."

'I won't be coming to church any more, Reverend -- I've decided to convert to golf.'

Sunday 10 and 2: The Usual Superstitions.

United Church of OMG

'To balance last week's twenty-six point sermon, this morning's message will be pointless.'

"Hey Frank, any plans for after church?"

"Hello Mr. Wibley. I haven't seen you in church lately!"

"Are you sure it's okay for cardinals to live at a Protestant church?"

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"Collections were down. We had to get creative."

'But, apart from the pews, the sermon, the hymns, the coffee and, 'all that praying', you'd come again?'

First Church - New Policy: To avoid lawsuits, Rev. Loomis' sermons no longer mention sinners by name.

Out for lunch... GOD

"Our father who art at www.heaven.com..."

The 1st annual pet baptism was also the last

"And the Lord he sayeth 'doest thou thinkest I knoweth not who sniggereth at the back there?'"

"The wages of sin are ... pretty damn attractive."

"...and, for those parishioners who insist on a Eucharist made with all organic, locally-sourced ingredients, see Father Maguire at aisle three."

"And now, a few words about the feel-God factor"

Two men in T-shirts, one shirt says Jesus loves me, the other Jesus loves me more.

"Instagram . . . weAPPon of mass distraction."

'Nice show but you could use some cartoons.'

'I'm interested in being born again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again and again.'

IOUs In The Church Collection Plate

'I understand the new usher is in the restaurant business.'

"What - no alcohol, no women, no swearing? I want you to say 950 prayers as punishment for wasting your life!"

'How come I never see you in church?'