Quirky Congratulator T-Shirts

'Allow me to be the first to congratulate you on your sudden promotion.'

Lactose Intolerant

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

Rent a Room With Hot Water

-"What has this got to do with communication?" -"It's my invention...the hand smiley."

"You don't look a day over 30,000."

French Animal Noises.

"Happy new year!"

Celebrate National Submarine Day.

"It's not for you, it's for the paparazzi."

At home with the leeches: 'No, you can't have a Quorn tartlet - just drink your blood and be quiet!'

He'll never melt. I made him from fast food milkshakes.

Viking with bike handlebars on helmet.

'First, let me apologize for suggesting you throw horseshoes as therapy.'

When the going gets tough the tough gets going...and the rest hide in the washroom and cry.

Hugs and knucklebumps don't mix.

"Bev, send in someone who knows when I'm fishing for compliments."

Welcome centre

I suppose this probably counts as an adverse event.

'Guy Fawkes and trick or treat - two for the price of one for one night only - please give generously.'

"...so you then developed an addiction to buying toilet rolls. Wasn't that rather expensive?"

"You paid to have a grain of sand named after me? You're such an idiot."

"One large with cheese, pepperoni and grass clippings."

Old lady posts adverts for fur gloves over poster of a lost cat,

"Are you binge watching again?"

'I know we asked for a room with running water,but...'

'OK, I'll admit it. You're a genius at parallel parking.'

'The last thing I knew he was on a plane to an obedience school in Omaha!'

Man with an umbrella hat looks at man with a hat umbrella.

"Picture this: it's my birthday, my mistress comes towards me with a cake and then, she sets it alight! I was so scared I've been feral ever since!"

"An old man uses a stick grabber to pick up a cigarette."

Spring Rituals

optician

'Come here and tell me what you think about this dress!'

"I don't think the new guy is working out."