Quirky Congratulator Gifts

'Allow me to be the first to congratulate you on your sudden promotion.'

Lactose Intolerant

'Miss Pym, we've made a smaller loss than last year, order me a much larger desk.'

Rent a Room With Hot Water

-"What has this got to do with communication?" -"It's my invention...the hand smiley."

"You don't look a day over 30,000."

Celebrate National Submarine Day.

"Happy new year!"

"It's not for you, it's for the paparazzi."

French Animal Noises.

At home with the leeches: 'No, you can't have a Quorn tartlet - just drink your blood and be quiet!'

He'll never melt. I made him from fast food milkshakes.

'First, let me apologize for suggesting you throw horseshoes as therapy.'

Viking with bike handlebars on helmet.

Hugs and knucklebumps don't mix.

"Bev, send in someone who knows when I'm fishing for compliments."

Welcome centre

I suppose this probably counts as an adverse event.

'Guy Fawkes and trick or treat - two for the price of one for one night only - please give generously.'

Old lady posts adverts for fur gloves over poster of a lost cat,

"Are you binge watching again?"

"One large with cheese, pepperoni and grass clippings."

"...so you then developed an addiction to buying toilet rolls. Wasn't that rather expensive?"

"You paid to have a grain of sand named after me? You're such an idiot."

'I know we asked for a room with running water,but...'

'OK, I'll admit it. You're a genius at parallel parking.'

"Could you watch my elephant while I nip out a minute?"

'The last thing I knew he was on a plane to an obedience school in Omaha!'

Spring Rituals

"Picture this: it's my birthday, my mistress comes towards me with a cake and then, she sets it alight! I was so scared I've been feral ever since!"

"An old man uses a stick grabber to pick up a cigarette."

optician

"It's OK, darling - Granny's crying happy tears."

"I don't think the new guy is working out."

'Come here and tell me what you think about this dress!'