Quirky Clause Collector Pillows

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

Funky Facts: Monkeys.

"Of course, I'm perfectly willing to pay my income tax, but I stayed home all day on the fifteenth, and nobody came."

I read on Candorville.com that was rank 29,705th in the world when it comes to attention spans. What? Aren't there only 196 countries? The article didn't just include human countries. It included the various animal kingdoms and the plant republics. Did you know that Americans have an eight-second attention span ... but the goldfish who live in little Lionel Brown's aquarium kingdom at 1492 MLK Way in Candorville have a nine-second attention span? Are you sure you weren't reading a humor column?

"May you love like you've never been hurt, dance like no one is watching, and chase squirrels at the speed of light."

Coffee. The phrase "where everybody knows your name" used to sound warm and friendly. Now, with all our personal information exposed online, it sounds scary!

'They said 'write what you know.' So I didn't write anything.'

"I owe all my success to the psychiatrist who gave me the word GREED as my mantra!"

Middle Age: When rolling out of bed is easy, but getting up off the floor isn't!

'I'm prescribing a laxative pill and a sleeping pill. Never, never take them together.'

Federal Guidelines

"Have you tried sitting in a box?"

The Month of June

'Charles Darwin explains how he came up with the phrase 'Well I'll be a monkey's uncle'.'

"Norman doesn't like any loose ends in his contracts, he likes everything tied up tight...it can be a problem..."

"You have such beautiful eyes."

'Do you have one that plays the theme from Godzilla?'

Who Typexed out the grass?

"You should have said you only wanted a trim. . . I'd have sent you to the barber next door."

Captain Pointy No.63 - Smugen Durgen Ray Gun Vest

"Trust me—sex sells."

Grasslands Preserve. I understand it's difficult to domesticate buffalo. Yes --- they can be seen but not herded.

"Museum of Over-Used Phrases"

Fertility Clinic - "Who wants to be mother?"

"It's the best thing since bread torn into little pieces."

The PENguin... is mightier with the sword

Don't give up - Surrender.

Things You Say When You Are Officially Old - Volume # 2

Cedric instantly regretted 'pumping up the jam...'

'Everyone says 'business is business' - But has anyone ever checked the math on that?'

"It's windy outside. I better not hear you've been hanging out in the grocery store parking lot."

Valentines for Things

Evolution...the modern-brush fox.

Are you familiar with the phrase "demography is destiny"?

"You've got to admit, he wears the 'that dog won't hunt' label with a lot of class!"