Quirky Analyst Gifts

'Can you believe that seven women, that's 83.5% of females in the 21-50 age band who are present, think I'm boring?'

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

US and the EU

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

'Tomorrow's special is fish, so wear the flounder suit.'

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

'I've been coming to Kindergarten every day for two weeks!-- When do I get paid?'

"What lead you to growing human tests in a test tube?"

"My favorite tea: hot daffodil-infused chamomile with a hint of whiskey. Are you serious? Of course I'm serious! I've been dosing myself with small quantities of poisonous daffodil ever since 1931. You have to build up an immunity if you want to survive in the cutthroat world of Scrabble tournaments."

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'Very good, Jeffrey! - You are so creative!'

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"Saturn. No contest. A deadly, treacherous gas giant ringed by a gossamer halo of ice. It symbolizes both death and life. Both evil and good. It symbolizes existence itself."

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'We'll talk later, Ed, but for now we have a quick and dirty solution to your objections.'

'The math is more complex this year and some of you won't be able to just tap out your answers anymore.'

"And when conventional theories don't work, we've got Charnier here to do us a spot of voodoo marketing."

"My mommy suggested I try a different advertising approach."

Expressions of mystery.

'Stick and Carrot Business Incentive Consultants.'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

The average taxpayer will ultimately embrace the auto industry bailout. Hell, we sold em all that useless undercoating for all these years!

'I suppose if we had some money we could buy sand from each other.'

"You should consider buying."

Locally Grown Stocks, Farm Fresh CDs, Free Range Annuities.

Impartial Testing: "Eeny, meeny, money, moe..."

Great progress has been made in the science of genetic clowning.

The last of the Mom and Pop brokerage houses