Quirky Analyst Gifts

'Can you believe that seven women, that's 83.5% of females in the 21-50 age band who are present, think I'm boring?'

'...I already have 26 cats, why not 27...'

'We've financed three more startups for no fathomable reason.'

"I'm from brokers without borders. Invest in deserted island reits!"

Need Supercomputer to finish my PhD, Please Help.

'The bad news is you're going to marry a geek, and not a pro athlete. The good news is the geek owns the team.'

US and the EU

Sign: 'Welcome to Fernbanks. Beneath our quaint Norman Rockwell-ish exterior beats a big-box chain store heart, ready to sell out at the drop of a hat.'

'Tomorrow's special is fish, so wear the flounder suit.'

"Actually, I used them as collateral for a loan."

'I've been coming to Kindergarten every day for two weeks!-- When do I get paid?'

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"What lead you to growing human tests in a test tube?"

"Has it occurred to you that you keep getting beaten up because that's your true purpose in life?"

"My favorite tea: hot daffodil-infused chamomile with a hint of whiskey. Are you serious? Of course I'm serious! I've been dosing myself with small quantities of poisonous daffodil ever since 1931. You have to build up an immunity if you want to survive in the cutthroat world of Scrabble tournaments."

Genetic Fingerprinting.

'Very good, Jeffrey! - You are so creative!'

"I'd like these invested in an aggressive mutual fund."

"And when conventional theories don't work, we've got Charnier here to do us a spot of voodoo marketing."

"Saturn. No contest. A deadly, treacherous gas giant ringed by a gossamer halo of ice. It symbolizes both death and life. Both evil and good. It symbolizes existence itself."

"Okay, it if makes you feel better...yes, I have stock in a banana company."

'We'll talk later, Ed, but for now we have a quick and dirty solution to your objections.'

'The math is more complex this year and some of you won't be able to just tap out your answers anymore.'

"My mommy suggested I try a different advertising approach."

Expressions of mystery.

'Stick and Carrot Business Incentive Consultants.'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

You're making me very angry right now, Al. Did you know that before Rorschach came up with his inkblot test, he had one that involved blood spatters?

Banker stepping into 'New image' in 'Savings and Loans' office

The average taxpayer will ultimately embrace the auto industry bailout. Hell, we sold em all that useless undercoating for all these years!

'I suppose if we had some money we could buy sand from each other.'

Great progress has been made in the science of genetic clowning.

Locally Grown Stocks, Farm Fresh CDs, Free Range Annuities.

Impartial Testing: "Eeny, meeny, money, moe..."

The last of the Mom and Pop brokerage houses