Quick Quipper Pillows

"What town are we in??"

'Your package has to be in Kansas City by Friday? - Well, aren't YOU a needy fellow!'

Backfire

"Up here, light is neither a particle nor a wave. It's a liquid."

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"Bed Spread"

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

'I'm not taking that money to buy drugs. I'm taking it to pay bribes if I'm caught with my drugs.'

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Is the water cold?'

Physics Improv. "I now vill be taking suggestions from ze audience..."

"Can you hurry up with that will? I don't have all day."

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

Attack Of The Guy From The Other Room

Access Denied!

Corona virus: "Wow, I seem to be getting lots of attention lately."

Death Watch

'I mean, how totally lame is this? Just as the marketing for our new video game was about to go viral, the Center for Disease Control shut us down!'

"We've agreed to count it as both a wave and a particle for tax purposes."

"Photons have mass, but their rest mass is zero."

"I'm not looking for Mr.Right, Just Mr. Swipe-right!"

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

Pandemic playhouse.

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

The light at the end of the tunnel just got switched off.

Hanging Fire

'I still have a soft spot for my ex- like quicksand!'

Last Post

"I didn't know how to complete a crossword until I filled in all the blanks..."

'Any chance of a drink while she's sorting out the taxi fare?'

'Dill! Stop being a freakish modern day cow-relic chewing throwback! Ok?'