Quick-pass Quipster T-Shirts

Man cutting hedge next to two heads impaled on sticks. Signs beneath say 'You missed a bit' and 'You can do mine next'.

"Don't you just hate restaurants that make you feel rushed?"

"All dishes marked with an asterisk are served with sarcasm. . ."

'Is the water cold?'

"Can you hurry up with that will? I don't have all day."

'That's nothing...I've been told my wig takes fifteen years off me.'

"I'm catching up on my inertia."

Official Seal

"I brought my worn out shoes because I heard that confession was good for the sole!"

The Quantum Mechanic...

'What I meant by 'quark' in 'Finnegans Wake' was a hypothetical particle with a fractional electric charge.

"Wife and two hernias to support!"

Death Watch

Two men jogging past one another trying to get as many words in as possible.

"It's not just you. Neutrinos are going right through everybody."

"If Foucault's Pendulum is correct - 15 degrees per sidereal hour times the side of the latitude - then I'm an hour late for lunch."

Large Hadron Colliider-scope

'Actually I started out in quantum mechanics, but somewhere along the way I took a wrong turn.'

'I hope he didn't write the menu.' (Pub quizzers comment on poor grammar)

"I'll have an entendre...make it a double."

'To cure your dog I suggest you change your aftershave lotion, Mr Lutshbuddle.'

Physicists' Convention: Quantum Leap.

'Please sir - all of them!'

"'No' to that, too, eh? Then, may I suggest something we were going to throw out?"

Inside the Large Hadron Collider

'I got 50p - how much did you get?'

"But we had stir-fry last night and the night before."

"What town are we in??"

Heisenberg Witness Protection Program

'Quick, Bensonhurst-Shaw, I need a bon mot for today's meeting.'