Quick Fixer T-Shirts

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

'Look, Doctor. I just want him cured. I'm not interested in what's wrong with him, so skip the lab work."

"Tia Carmen, can you fix my curtains? I ripped 'em by accident."

"I only need two tools: WD-40 if something doesn't move that should, and duct tape if something moves that shouldn't!"

"We'll get that infected tear duct fixed up in no time."

Introducing... The Everything Else Morning-After Pill!

'Before you come with me, tell me...does this robe look a little rumpled to you? I don't think the dry cleaners got the creases out, do you?'

'Well, the good news is; You won't need to tax and insure it.'

Waiting for Pants

"Fido's determined to find that bone."

Forgot your locker combination? Let Sammy the weasel pick it open for you!

'Of course we can fix your sweater but we'll have to contact the sheep to match the wool!'

'Oh silly me, I'm trying to fix my glasses with nasel spray instead of super-glue!'

"Shall I kiss it better?"

'Bob will be with you in a moment. He's cleaning the filter to the wine-aroma-judging-device attached to his face.'

Son? We need to talk about inappropriate life choices. I was joking. I'm not going to be an investment banker. Great! I'd hate to see you waste your talents. There are plenty of other jobs. Like the fixer who disappears famous athletes' awkward e-mails. You'll always be employed.

It's too hard to clean my closet. Take out everything. Throw them into "keep", "donate" or "toss" boxes. Ok. Done!

'Our new multi-syringe will take care of all your allergies in one fell swoop.'

"Kick the machine"

'Is the drain still clogged, Henry?'

"Have you tried switching it off and switching it back on again - or pretending there's absolutely nothing wrong with it?"

"I had to improvise"

'Diet? Exercise... can't you just operate?'

'Maybe you could get dressed faster if you lost that speed bump around your waist.'

Unblocking the Fountain of Hope.

'It's our last resort.'

Hospital. Emergency. Closed. I'm bleeding and the E.R. is closed, What should I do? Just go home? Suture self!

'How do you turn off the water if all of the handles are broken.'

"Darling - I can't seem to find the invisible menders..."

'When you're done fixing the furnace, could you gather up these Demons From Hell that escaped?'

'I guess it's official now. No one in this town actually makes anything anymore.'

'That's one way to 'shut down' the system...'

Stitches.

Boss, someone called The Fixer is here to see you. Excellent. Go out and tell him I want him to teach you everything he knows. I don't see why I should have to keep paying him when I've got my very own minion. Pay extra attention to the issue vague threats to shut down lawsuits part. If he asks why I didn't fire him myself, you tell him I've moved to Botswana. Very bad man.

"Did you call someone to come test for margarine residue in the refrigerator?"