Quantum Dieter Pillows

"No. I'm not on a diet. I said 'I'm eating light.'"

'Take of the fruit and eat . . . Well, peanuts actually.'

"I hope that's low calorie eye of newt."

"He says that when he had a vegetable salad as an appetizer, he can now have burgers, pizza and Coke as a reward."

"Here are today's leading factoids, and I'm Skip Shumaker, spoon-feeding them to you!"

"...there, I found it. Stellar! I love this nutrition app!"

"Dear Diary... I've stopped smoking, and I'm sticking to my diet."

'Of course I followed the diet religiously. I do everything religiously.'

"I think my fat has GPS. Every time I lose some, it always finds its way back home."

'Tomorrow we'll just have lettuce and water, OK.'

How Wafer-Thin Mints Stay Thin.

Woman and sport trainer

"You're suffering from an overdose of food."

'I'm prescribing magnets for your weight-loss program. They'll keep this on your refrigerator door.'

'You're going to go on a diet.'

'Fad diet. The weight will come right back.'

Snacking on yourself causes NO net weight gain!!!

One week after new year. The rest of the year.

"I said, I'm on a garlic diet. So far, I've lost 5 pounds and 12 friends."

Maude finally gets rid of her giant ass.

"Oh well. . . another New Year's resolution shot!"

"I start my diets with the best intentions, but when I see these legs and feet splashing around I go crazy!"

"The clouds of heaven have a load limit of 65 KG! Everyone over the load limit sinks down to Hell! 65,3 KG! You should not have eaten that last cake!"

"We ought to give this diet a name."

How To Flatten Your Tummy

'It looks like your computer may block cookies, but you don't.'

"This Subway Diet is way better than that Atkins nonsense."

"No . . . erasing food-search-apps from your browser history doesn't count as dieting."

String Cheese Theory

Jogging incentives.

There's a thin person inside me trying to get out...probably more than one.

I still think the anti-personnel mines are a bit over the top.

"Dieting all morning, and for what?!"