Quack Comedian Gifts

'Son, I think it's time we had 'The Quack'.'

'Goodness, no Doctor, my husband is not calling you any insulting names. He's a duck and that's the only word he knows.'

'I met my wife in unfortunate circumstances. I was single.'

Optimist

"Elementary, my dear Quackson."

'Thanks, we really appreciate this. Yeah, the middle button. Don't worry, it's auto-focus - just aim and shoot.'

"You don't need a duck call. I can just download this Find-a-Fowl app."

Inflatable Duck Boat

'He's normally not affectionate, but he's really taken a liking to you!'

'Save your money - he's a quack.'

'This duck call works too well.'

'He's a retired Drill-Sergeant!'

"One group gets tiny copies of the 'Times,' the other gets tiny copies of the 'Post.'"

'That's a quack-quack'. Ornithological conference.

"She thought he was a good listener. Turns out he was a decoy."

"Aha! - Proof that this is definitely an iron-age site..."

Fred questions whether Dr. McWit's Quick Draw Stress Tests are AMA approved.

'Sure, long waits don't bother you. You've served time.'

'Well you certainly walk like a duck and quack like a duck.'

Funeral for a Cartoonist

"There's no such thing as 'just' ducky."

"Two minutes out of the water and he's already evolvier-than-thou."

'OK, now I'm freaked out. How'd he get my cell phone number?'

Pick your own fruit - Pick your own nose

Uri Geller's cutlery drawer. All of the spoons in the drawer a bent.

'Tell me. How many acupuncture treatments did doctor Wing give you?'

"I haven't slept well since you pointed out that these modeling sessions are a form of betrayal."

Lead Duck With Evil Plans

"OK so - this might sound kinda crazy - but what do you think of me peeing on you?"