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'I had no idea there were so many types of dog treats.'

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

"I was almost that last year."

"Blow out the candles!" "Make a wish!" "I wish I had my testicles back."

Dogs

"He's got no idea how to run a Husky team."

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

Christmas Pets

'This is way better than a litter box.'

'Max and I have a give and take relationship. He sniffs my butt...and I let him.'

'I want a dog who will fetch my things, so don't sell me one that drools.'

"If you don't make up your mind who's taking me out, I'll do it right here."

"And your baskets include dead crickets, old socks, mice guts and toilet water."

"That's the last time I invite the boys round..."

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

'What does he mean, we're not on the list?'

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

'You're having antoher doggie treat party, right?'

Too cute for comfort.

'Halloween. Why should cats have all the fun?'

"There's nothing like dog-walking for making new friends...."

Jasper wasn't used to dealing with snowstorms before winter, let alone before Halloween...

"Oh, wow! Charlie is really hungry, huh, mom?"

"Once I finish obedience school, I plan to stray around Europe for a year."

It's time to treat your dog to Le Bon Chien.

"Okay, the first rule of rolling in s***e club is no one talks about rolling in s***e club."

"I borrowed it from my neighbor, he's a big tennis guy."

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

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"They know me here."

'I take it your romantic dinner isn't going well. . .'

"When the time is right I intend to lead a canine revolution that will bring about a new world order. Until then I'm just hanging around acting cute."

"I don't recognize the face. Mind if I sniff you?"

What the hell do they mean, that's a hundred and twelve to you and me.

"Ambitions... To get birthday treats every dog year, not every seven."