Puppy Planner T-Shirts

"Hello? Is that the canine help line?...."

'We had planned to wait until Bowzer finished obedience school, then I came into heat.'

"Great - Now what would be the second thing you'd do if you had opposable thumbs?"

'Where do you see yourself in 35 years?'

'I want a dog who will fetch my things, so don't sell me one that drools.'

"When the time is right I intend to lead a canine revolution that will bring about a new world order. Until then I'm just hanging around acting cute."

Things to do: 1. Sit 2. Stay 3. Sit 4. Stay

'Are you pregnant? How do you know? You look terrible!'

Dogs

"He's got no idea how to run a Husky team."

'This is way better than a litter box.'

Babies.

'Well, back to the old drawing board.'

"Please, James...will you stop worrying whether the baby will meet all government regulations!"

'Max and I have a give and take relationship. He sniffs my butt...and I let him.'

"Thank goodness for pet doors because the alarm on my piddle clock was about to ring on the rug."

'I had no idea there were so many types of dog treats.'

"I'm going to need more minutes. I'm texting for two now!"

"If you don't make up your mind who's taking me out, I'll do it right here."

"And your baskets include dead crickets, old socks, mice guts and toilet water."

Dog Park. Ernie, let me help you navigate the dog park safely. Thanks. Never ask the dalmatian if you can play "Connect the Dots." Don't discuss international politics with the Siberian Husky, or make jokes around the Greyhound. The Saint Bernard does not find it funny if you ask for his blessing. And most importantly, unless you schedule is clear for a week ... yeah? Don't say "yes" when the Lab asks you to play with that ball with him!

"Oh, wow! Charlie is really hungry, huh, mom?"

'I don't care if top breeders do recommend it - I am not going to eat dog food!'

"There's nothing like dog-walking for making new friends...."

Jasper wasn't used to dealing with snowstorms before winter, let alone before Halloween...

'To make a long story short, your biological clock has jet lag.'

"Once I finish obedience school, I plan to stray around Europe for a year."

Dr. Mary G. Wells Obstetrician. Open Labor Days.

"Okay, the first rule of rolling in s***e club is no one talks about rolling in s***e club."

"I borrowed it from my neighbor, he's a big tennis guy."

It's time to treat your dog to Le Bon Chien.

'I take it your romantic dinner isn't going well. . .'

No caption. (Baby decides which bottle to choose from a rack in a basement. The rack looks very much like a wine rack.)

Ask Sadie. My wife and I are getting a puppy soon. Any training tips? - Jay and Emily, Charlotte, NC. Sent from my iPad. Oh yes. A tip: Have him poop on your @#$% iPad, you high-tech boobs! Irrelevant and gratuitous. Sent from my lungs. You need the toothbrush app.

"They know me here."