Punishment Ponderers Pillows

'I was sentenced to 500 hours community service- right now, I'm a park bench'

I Do Not have OCD

'The prisons are full, so I'm sentencing you to marry Rosie O'Donnell.'

'Tarpits are so passe. Modern Hell offers people a choice between wind turbines or High Speed 2 in their back yards.'

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

Extreme Sisyphus

'I had considered a career as an offshore commodities broker specialising in securitised asset transfers but the pension wasn't as good.'

"I'm learning to live with existence."

Ten Commandments

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

"You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!"

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

'Remember that outfit, Miss Wilson, that you said you wouldn't be seen dead wearing?'

"If we take a late retirement and an early death, we'll just squeak by."

Man In The Stocks Used As A Clock

"Great, now we're lost."

'You got twenty years for hunting without a license? Kind of stiff, isn't it?'

"The industry has agreed to take the pensions dashboard off our hands. . ."

"The pension crisis prompted me to consider alternative invstments. Like Roulette."

'You beat me by two...but with your penalties I beat you by 150!'

'He intentionally entangles his face mask in my hand!'

Bumper Limos

"The arc of the moral universe."

A confinement of convicts

"May I say, sir, the staff and I just knew you'd see through that Beaujolais."

'Holding! Number 74 on the offense!... Fifteen years to life in prison...'

Man to lady: 'Prisons are overcrowded, so we're seeing more sentences of timeout instead.'

"Nobody wants to hear our stories about death from natural causes."

'The rot set in when I started doing these things in my own image - my early stuff was better.'

'You know what I really miss? -- living dangerously.'

'Have you ever thought that being damned for all eternity to a lake of eternal fire might mask a deeper problem?'

Shoplifter behind a barcode.

"I gave him a public education Artie ol' boy. . . you should know by now that government schools are one of my best minion corporations!"

"Well...this constant badness is just sooo wearisome...."