Punditry Gifts

How Representative Democracy Works

Jimmy Hill

Quality Control

'Today is the tomorrow I feared yesterday. . .'

"Strawman argument terrorises conversation... News at eleven."

Liberal Vote-Shaming Explained

"With the caveat that the only certainty in this life is uncertainty, I still want to entertain the possibility of being a pundit when I grow up."

"The regular Fox news commentator was canned for being too soft on Iran. I'm Dick Cheney."

'Ms Simpson, I believe I've finally done it. I've written the Great American Memo.'

"‘Click’, you have reached the White House, press 1 for shameless groveling, 2 for presidential pardons, and please have your credit card details ready..."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

'I'm part of the decision-making process... I'm the 'No' part.'

"What's with the Tim Russert act?"

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

'Wow, are all these desserts for here, or are you going to stuff your faces in the privacy of your own home?'

'Henry was an undecided voter four years ago when he entered that voting booth, and I'm still waiting for him to decide and come home.'

Bill hits the ground running, makes a big splash early on, and rides a roller-coaster of insane popularity right into the "Where Are They Now?" Wilderness of Forgotten Celebrities.

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

It's a deal. You give me five analysts, three pundits, seven technicians and a soothsayer. I give you six experts, five professors, four consultants and a prognosticator.

'I thought time was supposed to be money!'

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

The National Institute for Advanced Talk-Show Punditry.

CIA. Office of Disinformation. Please Use Other Door.

'We finally do have meaningful tax reform, sir. This year's form is printed on recycled paper.'

The Adventures of Tom Friedman, Boy Reporter

TV SALES, 'Will the violence chip block out Glenn Beck?'

"Prospectus in not spelt P...R...O...A...G...A...N...D...A."

Editor. Short. Sweet.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

'Let me guess: you and everyone else?'

Rush Limbaugh

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

Updated Proverbs. We come into the world with nothing. And leave deeply in debt!

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I neglected to talk over you."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.