Punctuality Jokester Pillows

'Sorry I'm late. I woke up on my back, and you know how turtles are.'

'You are two hours late.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

It's an autobiography of a guy who spent his whole life trying to get his first @#^& book published. Editor.

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Time management seminar. Start: five-ish.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

'The trouble with punctuality is that it makes the day so long!'

Your talk of promptness seems to have worked - everybody was out of here by one minute after five.

'It's come to my attention that you're becoming a bit of a clock watcher.'

"You idiots … we lost!"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

Astronaut plants flag and deflates the moon.

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

Riding instructor waits to fish a child out of jumping obstacle.

'Anyone can get to school on time if he tries hard enough, Eddie.'

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

Interrupted Shower.

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

'Tender and Juicy.'

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

'Try not to be an idiot.'

Junk Mail Shredder.

'Go ahead -- pull Oog's finger!'