Punctuality Jokester T-Shirts

'Sorry I'm late. I woke up on my back, and you know how turtles are.'

'You are two hours late.'

Kid in time-out writes 'it was the best of time out...'

"I saved us a hundred bucks on a Jolly Jumper."

'I hate to say I told you so, Larry, but that's why you check your car for bears before you put on your seatbelt.'

A crab with a utility knife claw

'Time management seminar. Start: five-ish.'

"Okay, who's been messing with the copy machine?"

Drainpipe in a sombrero.

'The trouble with punctuality is that it makes the day so long!'

"I propose a break from the office speak and two minutes of random profanity."

Your talk of promptness seems to have worked - everybody was out of here by one minute after five.

Astronaut plants flag and deflates the moon.

"You idiots … we lost!"

Lengray's 1,001 practical Jokes for beginners (a man getting punched in the face with a mechanical glove).

'It's come to my attention that you're becoming a bit of a clock watcher.'

'This painting's in very poor taste.' 'Yes. It's from his sour grapes period.'

"Is there a humorist in the house?"

'The electricians hot-wired the building inspector's car seat again.'

Boy throws a stick for a tortoise. By the time the tortoise returns, the boy is an old man.

Dry Hard with a Vengeance

'You're breaking up...please text me.'

Riding instructor waits to fish a child out of jumping obstacle.

'Anyone can get to school on time if he tries hard enough, Eddie.'

The disgusting, embarrassing sound of a whoopie cushion...

Interrupted Shower.

"It's a brovella about my life in the frat. But if it's longer than two hundred pages it becomes a brahvel."

Golf Myth #293--Ball Washer

'Tender and Juicy.'

'... and I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those dang meddling kids... that and my incredibly stupid plan. Also in retrospect, I realize my costume was, regrettably, quite lame.'

Unselfish by nature - he delights to show the novice where the big chub cruise...and where the best pike lie.

'Try not to be an idiot.'

Junk Mail Shredder.

'Good morning, 'DICTIONARIES' department for, like, Similes.'

"Of course, 'today seems to be dragging more than usual'. You came in on time, for once!"