Pun-loving Sipper Pillows

"Any advance on 'cat wazz'?

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Do it yourself books.

"He refuses to use these now they've made them gender nonspecific."

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

Carpool lane (a car driving into a long pool).

You've been found guilty by a jury of your peers -- You're toast fella!

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

Wino Appreciation Group

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

Ghost Scare-apy Sessions

'And in conclusion...'

'I'm writing you a prescription for some people soup.'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

"And another thing, it's real cool in the summer!"

Onion Guillotine

'In the circumstances, I think we should skip the housewarming party.'

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

'I collect a different type of oil painting.'

'I wanted to go straight. . . but then I learned a law degree.'

The static electric eel is very rare.

"Of course you're bored, sweetie. It's the fin de siècle."

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

'You give me goose bumps!'

Weather forecast

"Waiter, there aren't any flies in my soup!"

'It's for my teacher. Do you have one with love spelled right?'

'No, I said put the money in the Caymen Islands.'

"Remember I promised you some fun and games in the bedroom?"

A robber halds up a hair salon with a hairdryer pointed at the customers - 'Hand over all your hair restorer or I'll blow you away!'

"Being a 'fly on the wall' is way overrated."

No, he's not metamorphosing. He's in a time-out.

"Valentine's Day has been good to me, but I had to diversify."

I'm starting to think you keep working on that thing just to avoid talking to me.

Pavement artist.