Pun-loving Philosopher Pillows

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

'Do you think he'll win the second race?' - 'Yes, because he's running in the first race.'

"... and I have a follow-up question regarding rawhide."

'Sorry sir, we've run out of parmesan cheese.'

Do it yourself books.

'That's your third bowl of gruel this week! What is this -- a feeding frenzy?'

"I see you also took the road less travelled!"

Annual Swim Hundreds of Miles, Spawn and Die Marathon.

"He refuses to use these now they've made them gender nonspecific."

"Think about the honey."

'I see adventure in your future. Yes. You're going to be a culinary adventure.'

Kind- hearted, nature-loving Jeff built a new improved bird table.

The marketing is out there now. People all know the pizzas are prepared on the premises. So why no customers?

'And in conclusion...'

'I'm writing you a prescription for some people soup.'

Tunnel of Accountants: "You've been selected for a random audit."

'Is there a God? God knows...'

'In the circumstances, I think we should skip the housewarming party.'

'And remember: just hold up this little green paper, and they will do whatever you want.'

"I washed my kilt last night , now I can't do a fling with it!"

'Now, as many of you know, I was the Monkey's uncle...'

'I wanted to go straight. . . but then I learned a law degree.'

The static electric eel is very rare.

'You give me goose bumps!'

'I can't help you, it seems you really are npsycuts!'

"Waiter, there aren't any flies in my soup!"

"I said, ‘I hit on your sister!’"

"Of course you're bored, sweetie. It's the fin de siècle."

"You're a gifted writer, although at times you're just too precious."

'It's for my teacher. Do you have one with love spelled right?'

'No, I said put the money in the Caymen Islands.'

"Remember I promised you some fun and games in the bedroom?"

A robber halds up a hair salon with a hairdryer pointed at the customers - 'Hand over all your hair restorer or I'll blow you away!'

"Valentine's Day has been good to me, but I had to diversify."

Pavement artist.