Pun-loving Handyman Gifts

"Nails? - Certainly sir. How long do you want them. . . ?"

ACE Roofing: Our Minds Are Always In The Gutter!

boy plugging leak in a barrel with his finger

'A burp or a fart, I can excuse, but throwing up a pellet of fur and bones? That's gross dude!'

Do it yourself books.

'You wanted a speedy trial, so I'm sentencing you to a swift kick.'

"Most men lead lives of quiet desperation. Frankly, it beats Pandora."

"I didn't say I started jogging, I said blogging."

'Don't worry, she's going to hold the nails.'

'I wanted to go straight. . . but then I learned a law degree.'

'We now have a drug to cure 'writer's block' but a common side effect is plagiaism.'

'Alphabet soup? -- oh, an intellectual, eh?'

Man in the stocks on his typewriter.

'I just had to come over...You caught my eye.'

"No one knows his identity. He just turns up, cuts your grass, then departs without leaving his name. They call him the Lawn Ranger."

Cat punishement.

'You precisely said 'straight over at the roundabout'. You didn't say anything about going around it.'

'I thought I'd try making marmalade. Do we have any marmals?'

"If we make it greener on this side of the river, the wildebeests will cross here..."

'I actually make a lot more money as a bookmaker than I ever did as a race horse...'

"What happened to your finger?"

'Phht! This activist judge wont throw the book at him. He just tosses it underhand.'

'You want to see a lawyer? No problem — he's a lawyer.'

Bank manager standing in front of safe has combination written on his hand

'Do you think he'll win the second race?' - 'Yes, because he's running in the first race.'

Hamster Cello tape.

'If you commit a crime when you're slow as molasses & leave a trail of slime you're going to do some time.'

'I like it!'

'Friday morning is no good for me- I'll be settling someone's hash!'

'Dude! You got the needle! Freakin' A that's cool, those things are wickedly hard to find!'

"I guess the cat is broken because we have to get him fixed."

Missionary Helper.

"Gimme 600 rolls of sticky tape."