Publishing Deal Gifts

Tell the author your idea for a book at 3 pm.

'I've been working on this novel since I was 10 years old.'

Squeezing the Free Press.

"Do you see yourself becoming a movie in five years?"

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'So you want an advance on your writer's block?'

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"Russ had a novel published two hours ago and has a children's book coming out in 20 minutes."

Accelerated reading. Slowpoke reading,

First Novels.

Gay Times...

"Your usually vicious sarcasm is weak. Go pump some irony."

"I just finished your manuscript and I found the ending delicious."

It's Dostoevsky. It's Melville. It's Flaubert. But it doesn't dance.

The Quack Quack Diaries: Quack Quack Writes A Novel

"Your hunch was right, Officer Garcia. We'll need a good editor to clean up this manuscript and bring his unfinished novel to a satisfying conclusion."

The Apostle Paul receives a reply from the Corinthians.

'I have a best selling novel on the tip of my tongue...'

Letters escape from a caged book.

"It's about sex and revenge, except for a short chapter on the Continental Congress."

Sue the Author 3PM

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

In a world where spelling doesn't count.

'It's the first animal in their dictionary, Inter-Planetary Publishing Protocol is to always list the most intelligent lifeform first...'

'I'll blurb you if you'll blurb me.'

Thesaurus Publishing: Out, Not here, Gone, Absent.

"Tracey, this is Gene. He also read the Nancy Reagan book in unbound galleys."

"For just one monkey in front of one typewriter you've come up with some amazing stuff."

Günter Grass

Meet the author - celebrity autobiographies,

'Amount of white out used while writing, Moby Dick, an issue of The National Enquirer, and 101 Uses for a Dead Cat.'

"It's about the murder of an editor who refuses to publish a writer's work..."

"No—You're thinking dog years—Editor years are twice as many."

"So start throwing together about 10 novels a week and bring them in on Wednesdays."

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."