Publish Or Perish Panicker Gifts

'Where do you see yourself not getting tenure in seven years?'

"After years of cartoon rejections, Bill stooped to trying a little shameless product placement."

Sherlock Holmes selling Sherlock Holmes.

"It's a heck of a tale...and well told, but we don't publish resumes."

'As a famous writer, could you do something to help jumpstart my career?'

"What your memoir really needs is an addiction."

"If you saw a book with the title 'An American Speaks Out,' would you buy it?"

'You can't reject my manuscript without due process!'

"There's the pressure from my public, naturally, as well as the pressure from my publisher, my agent, and all that. But the real pressure comes from that devil inside that makes me different from other men, that makes me a writer. But, of course, you know all about pressure, grinding out those papers at Sarah Lawrence."

"Personally, I loved your novel. Unfortunately, our e-book editor says it just doesn't work on the little screen!"

Professor McWit, Didn't Publish, So Perished.

"We'd like to publish it, do nothing to promote it, and watch it disappear from the shelves in less than a month."

The novel was printed and in the stores ... any minute now, the world would beat down his door.

"Your book stinks—we want to publish it."

Hog magazine with litters to the editor dept.

'This doesn't work as a heart-felt plea for world peace, but with some astute editing, it might be great on a greeting card.'

Rubbish, Poppycock, Balderdash

"As a cost-cutting measure, for our fall list we have decided to bypass traditional bookstore sales and subsequent remaindering, and instead go directly to the shredder."

"We need a better distribution system."

Publishing Clauses Of The '90s.

"Any truth to the rumor that your book is ghost-written?"

Publisher: 'Do we need more books?'

'Don't jump. It's a book publisher!'

"Dumb it down or sex it up."

"That's just my agent - pay him no heed."

'Your book has a wonderful, timely quality. We're putting it on our list for a 2009 release.'

'We lost your case, but the PR was a success. Three publishers are bidding on your story, and 30 PTAs are petitioning to have the book banned.'

'Brilliant writing, Mr. Fenswick, but I'm afraid we'll have to pass on your 'How to Commit the Perfect Crime'!'

"It doesn't work as a novel. But we're willing to publish it as a desk calendar."

Book Shop: DYI section

'it's either mass hysteria, or a very effective advertising campaign.'

'McWit, your poetic license expired years ago.'

Ego Publishing: 'I'm sorry, but 'Slither A Mile In My Shoes' doesn't make any sense...'