Publicity Officer Pillows

'How fast can you hype?'

"There's no such thing as 'bad publicity'." "All traffic is good traffic."

News: Deaths! Deaths! Deaths!

'I've decided to step down as your CEO in order to spend more time in jail...'

This Message Has No Content

"National security adviser"

'Fred, I want you to sanitize this, punch it up, dumb it down, leak it to the media and then be fully prepared to deny it!'

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"Heads up! It's another tidal wave of overwrought critical hyperbole!"

'This one is for keeping 'On Message' in the spin wars.'

Newspaper suicide.

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

Moses Today. Due to the sensitive nature of this matter, my source wishes to remain anonymous.

"Or we could raise your profile by coming out with that pimple on the end of your nose."

"Commandments aren't really selling these days. However, we're willing to consider self-help tips or personal improvement ideas."

"What's important is that we learn from what we must never admit happened."

"Here are today's leading factoids, and I'm Skip Shumaker, spoon-feeding them to you!"

'I feel confident about our presentation. If there is any blowback, don't worry. We're both wearing our flak jackets under our suits.'

Free press.

'Mr. President, I have a question, where's the mens' room?'

UBLIC RELATIONS IN CASE OF EMERGENCY BREAK GLASS

"Your press kit said you were lots of fun."

'How fast can you hype?'

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

JET (Part I)

"My spokesperson won't speak to me."

Freedom of the Press

'That's the new guy. He writes our 'shuck-and-jive' press releases.'

Snow White and her Seven people.

"There will be a Q&A...but in this era of Trump I will be insulting anyone whose questions I don't like."

'OK, who moved the photocopier?'

'Welcome! Highly placed, unidentified administration spokespersons convention.'

You can't fool all of the people all of the time, especially with our advertising budget.

"He's a real throwback. He does all his own publicity stunts."

'We're out of duct tape.'