Public Announcement Enthusiast Pillows

Quiet please! Final examination for railway announcement speakers in progress!

"And finally, I'd like to take any questions from the floor."

"It's time to get politics out of money."

'Even in the mundane tasks, aim for perfection!'

Giant screen displays conference delegates and not the speaker.

'I need to appear bold and decisive. Won't someone PLEASE ask me a yes or no question?'

'Now that we've dispensed with minutes of our last meeting, I'd like to introduce the first item under 'new business'. I'm pregnant.'

A big dog at lectern.

"And now, representing rescue dogs everywhere..."

SELF-FULFILLMENT SEMINAR: 'Stop letting people walk on you'

"I actually don't have anything to say, but I missed the sound of my own voice."

'It doesn't matter if you win or lose: it's how much face time you can generate on the 6 o'clock news.'

Announcement at teatime

'PBS is weird -- they just ran an eight-hour commercial about how they never have commercials.'

"Your career needs a jumpstart. Rehab is pass?. How about 3 weeks in prison?"

Results of a Smoking Survey - 'They weren't very passive about smoking'

Yeah, we totally need to post a relationship status update.

It's the Fad Herald. I should've upgraded my phone. Hear ye. Today, a special announcement. The following is now in: Hope. Until further notice, that tingly, expectant feeling you're experiencing may be interpreted as optimism, mild euphoria, the illusion of better times ahead. Wow. Now that you mention it. Cool. Wait ... What do you man by illusion? Looking ahead to 2020 trends: Disappointment. Nah. We'll be fine, I'm sure.

You don't need to use air quotes for your own words, Mr. Lincoln.

"Our scheduled speaker isn't available to make it here today, but luckily we have a surprise speaker..."

"Just a signature and my alimony check."

The Sun Comes Out

"Congratulations! It's publicity..."

"Due to budget cuts we had to combine our athletic fields."

'Sometimes I wonder about PBS -- they're counting down the top 100 Gregorian chants.'

"I think you should all consider yourself very fortunate to be here considering how few seats there are for this event."

"The preceding PBS program was funded by do-gooders...not by freeloaders like yourself."

Politician with a stop button on thier head

'This is all so uncool! I forgot to charge my cell phone so I'm using the public default phone.'

"Somehow - it's not what I expected."

Parody of Thomas Nast's Penury and Resultant Lecture Tour

'That concludes my prepared remarks. I will now skillfully evade questions from the audience.'

"You might have seen Judy's uterus on a recent PBS special."

Motivational Speaker/Motivated Listener.

I'm calling a press conference. Did you hear me? I've got an important announcement. HOJ. Other people hold press conferences and people pay attention! There will be snacks. I'm listening.