Puberty Ponderers Gifts

'He's beginning to notice girls.'

God not-too-happy with the Humans sticking a 'Closing DOWN Sale!' sign on planet Earth

A small number of people are afraid of heights, but there is an epidemic fear of widths.

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"I'm learning to live with existence."

"I don't know why I worry...Baldo's just a normal boy. It's good to see him maturing...making friends...with nice girls...exploring new feelings...and desires.... You have to go home now."

Ten Commandments

"Hello - I'm from the future..."

'As I recall you were the one who told him that he couldn't take it with him.'

'Soon, you will start to notice changes in your body... massive, horrifying changes.'

'There must be some way we can capitalize on that damn boson.'

"Great, now we're lost."

Sex Education

"Imagine There's No Heaven. It's Easy If You Try..."

Off to a bad start.

'If Aunt Arctica is on the bottom of the world, does that mean Uncle Artica is on top of the world?'

"The arc of the moral universe."

"I don't get this whole age thing...I waited all year to turn nine, but now I don't feel any older!"

"Life’s become pretty easy lately. Perhaps it’s time we shake things up by adding a dependent."

"Well, son, in a way, I suppose Jesus was a trust-fund baby."

Jealousy

"My parents taught me stuff until I was six, and then they outsourced me to Central Elementary."

Insomnia.

'Ah ah! That's what I thought! The DNA tests prove that he is in fact a Cuckoo chick...'

"Nobody wants to hear our stories about death from natural causes."

'You know what I really miss? -- living dangerously.'

'Have you ever thought that being damned for all eternity to a lake of eternal fire might mask a deeper problem?'

'The rot set in when I started doing these things in my own image - my early stuff was better.'

"I gave him a public education Artie ol' boy. . . you should know by now that government schools are one of my best minion corporations!"

"Well...this constant badness is just sooo wearisome...."

How do bright women get pregnant?

"It's a cease and desist letter forbidding us from saying 'That's lit!'"

Ask me about Naming Rights.

"I have heard the mermaids singing, each to each. I told them to pipe down."

"I think I'll be more relaxed once my secondary sex characteristics kick in."