Prosthetic Philosopher Pillows

"You would like to report a medical emergence and you have an artificial hip joint, two artificial knee joints, a pacemaker and a metal plate in your head? Well, then please call the breakdown service, sir."

"Did you remember to back up the last 4.5 billion years?"

Woman on the phone.

'Forget it. Bioethics doesn't apply to us.'

Hamlet in the craft shop.

"She's really nice and I didn't want to hurt her feelings, so here we are."

"Forget it – we're not buying some expensive sex robot for it to end up unused in the garage with the massaging armchair and the rowing machine."

"Ah, the waiter ... And I was beginning to wonder if we really existed!"

'Whoops. There goes one of my prostheses.'

"I'm the black sheep of the family because I'm afraid of the dark."

Colin didn't really need a pocket-calculator...he already knew how many pockets he had!

'You're out of '50 Great Years of Mindless Consumerism?' How about 'Celebrating America's Shopping Malls?' That one, too?'

KNITEO ERGO SUM!

Gawk

"Are you busy or are you at work?"

Prosthetic snake.

'I've been under a lot of pressure.' (Diver on therapist's couch).

Knitting is Knirvana.

'I heard it was because of a broken charger.'

Prosthetic Society Annual Hoe-Down : 'You put your left leg in, you put your left leg out..'

'And I don't appreciate being left on hold,with Motorhead's 'The ace of spades'!'

Philosophy - who said it has no practical uses

'Believe me, the Captain is the least handicapped man on this ship!'

Tired old peglegs

'But toothache is the worst!'

'I can't believe I phoned my ex at 4 in the morning and go the wrong number. Still, if I look on the upside...it's lucky I didn't get the right number.'

"You're addicted to your phone and I think you need help."

'I had to wear these arms so I could get some more tattoos...'

T-Rex Prosthetic Arm

In hindsight, a hook hand was stupidly impractical.

"We can now tell the rest of the mice that after testing on lab humans, phones can be an addictive time waster."

As Dumb as Dirt?

'It's intimidating that you don't decorate your office.'

Mavis didn't realise she was still on hold. . . !

"Instead of chanting 'Aum' can I keep texting 'Good Morning?'"