Proposal Punster Pillows

'I think you are taking this elevator pitch way too literally'.

'There are three 'Down with the proposal' votes and four, 'I'm down with the proposal' votes.'

'I wouldn't say this wine's name is long, but it's continued on the bottle next to it.'

British savings accounts

''...And defend the Constitution of the United States.' -- And now, I'd like to pardon the following Illinois politicians....'

"Whenever he shows up everything turns to crap!"

Intelligent people laugh too!

"Bad dog! I've told you to always proofread."

I'm allergic to parrots, so I got an aaaarrrrdvark.

"Are your eel rolls electric?"

"Hey, pal, let's hear 'Doggie in the Window' again, and this time play it like you mean it!"

Assault 'n' Vinegar

'Poor Kleinzweck -- his working hypothesis got laid off.'

'Did you watch the horror movie?'

Look! Up in the sky! It's absurd! It's inane! It's Malaprop Man! Malaprop Man, I hear you're fighting climate change now. Yes starting with solo panels, I'm reducing greenhouse guesses! I'm investing in buttery technology. I'm going to have windmeals. And of course, I've stopped drinking cola. Why is that? I'll have a smaller carbonated footprint!

'I've been a nervous rex all day.'

'It's the report from the consultant. He says we should turn over the turnovers to improve turnover.'

Sweep the board.

"Not to brag or anything, but I'm the elephant in the room at my company."

Adam names the animals (He puts sticky notes on them saying Shaz, Dave, Trish etc).

"Where were you between 4 and 6?"

"No chips, but I did snag the new Hiaasen."

Dogs life

'What did I tell you? There's always a catch to those bargain internet travel fares...'

"We live in the golden age of fake news, alternative facts and spin control. Your resume is too truthful."

'It's worse than we thought: You've got termites.'

"Moby Richard by Herman Melville" "Wonderful! Not sure about the title—let's discuss editor."

"So is this war movie rated R, rated PG, or rated RPG?"

We're putting on a subtraction.

Reptile Class: 'My homework ate my dog.'

'My teacher is a man of letters...except A and B.'

'He bought a donkey because he thought he might get a kick out of it.'

'Hi, this is Batman. You've reached the Batcave. I'm not in right now but as soon as I return I'll call you bat.'

"Ugh! They always spell my name wrong?"

"You wanted the magic back in our relationship..."