Promise Ponderer Pillows

"If I promise to take you on a fact-finding junket to Bermuda, I'll have to promise to take every voter to Bermuda."

'So have you broken any new year's resolutions yet, Burl?'

"We're studying the legal principles of 'crossing a heart and hoping to die'."

"Your assumption that a one in a million chance event MUST be a miracle shows you drastically underestimate the total number of regularly occurring events."

"Dave, could you hold on a sec while I take care of some personal business?"

Totalitarian Humour

'Marry me, and make me the happiest man in the world.' 'You want BOTH?!'

"Of course it's only prediction, we can't guarantee anything."

"It is just as the Oracle foretold!"

"I'll have dessert first."

'I say we try it.'

'Congratulations, you've got the job. Unfortunately though, you'll be constantly late, and we'll fire you in two months.'

"It's not that I'm lazy. But I envisage myself not so much climbing the corporate ladder, as taking the corporate elevator."

'In other words, statistics prove that statisticians aren't always right.'

'How worse? Give me the worst-case scenario.'

"What's with kids nowadays? Walking upright's not good enough for you?"

'Are you sure we should do all this praying on Sunday? -- I thought it was God's day off.'

"The first thing we should do is get you two into a good mutual fund. Let me get out the 'Magic 8 Ball' and we'll fun some options."

Bizarre sequence of computer-generated random numbers

"Sure, but what have you invented lately?"

'What's the chance of getting a latte around here?'

'Turn your thinking cap around, Robert.'

Why not get God's fax number, and just fax him my prayer?

"The fact that you're here means you will continue to make poor life decisions."

'He's always looking for an argument!'

'You'll be going on a long journey this Christmas.'

God answers what He thought were worldwide prayers for peas.

"I see you coming into money, at least 50p for a cup of tea."

'Today's Odds' sign above a copier showing various odds for machine's malfunctions

"Woah - random!"

'The hardest part of being a street crazy is picking each day's sign.'

Fortune teller sees impending doom

'My dad is pushing me to become an alpha male, but frankly, I'd rather be a poet...'

Bumper Limos

"Well, for starters, Matt has been showing definite improvement in risk-taking."