Project Management Gifts

"We must kill this initiative, so let's mainstream it."

'...Any ideas for a product?'

'Now this is exactly what I was referring to when I talked about 'scope creep'.'

OK, we've defined the project objectives. Now it's time to establish the stakeholders.

-"I finished the project on time and on budget!" -"Right, next project you get less time and less money!"

"It all began with trying to measure project outcomes."

'I'm in constant contact with everyone involved, every step of the way. Well...I left a message.'

'Who wants to work late again, raise your hands.'

"Change in plans - the deadline's been moved up to four days ago."

"I recommend our 'wild' expectations be downgraded to 'great.'"

"Well, I've finished the project on time and on budget!" "That means I've given you too much time and too much money!"

"...and this is our Agile project!"

Re-Tooling Costs - "Could you be a little more precise than umpteen million?"

Biblical Procurement Tales: Project Ark.

'Normally, this project would require weeks of research and verification...but luckily there's an app for it.'

'...your hindsight on this project was far more accurate than his foresight.'

Yes, Mr Jones, this is the right meeting room for the SWOT analysis.

'My projects are behind schedule because I'm too busy. . . so I'm transferring them to you instead. . . Why are your projects behind schedule?!'

'You have three days left to finish this project!' 'I'll take Halloween, thanksgiving and Christmas!'

'Wow, that is a really big goal!'

'What's the smallest budget you can manage on?'

'The project is a little behind schedule. It was proactive, now it's retroactive.'

'This project is so important that we can't let anything more important interfere with it.'

With a great team behind you, you can achieve so much more...

'We're projecting growth in the third year, but unfortunately, we'll be out of business by then.'

"Let's derail this! So use passive voice, express vague concerns, and call for a follow-on working group."

"I don't know - seems like a lot of work."

"I thought an illogical framework would work better."

'Make sure that those 'Ideas whose time has come', get launched today.'

"Of course the most important skill they can acquire is the ability to multi-task!"

'Well, maybe upteen zillion was too general a cost estimate.'

"Or should it be scrum or kanban???"

'I estimate completion within 7 years...that's dog years of course.'

Project Managers in Hell

"This is when we will involve Procurement so they can do the boring stuff for us..."