Project Manager Gifts

'A career? A life? Isn't that a conflict of interest?'

'Excellent meeting. I loved the quick fixes, the simple solutions, and the easy answers.'

"My contractor told me Rome would only take a day."

"Looks like we found the issue."

"Yeah, but that one's a little bit hard to reach."

'Why is it that nothing ever gets done at these meetings?'

'To address this mistake we must use root-cause analysis. I'll begin by saying it's not my fault.'

"Who called this meeting again?"

"Sometimes I think the collaborative process would work better without you."

Information vs. confusion

'Now, keep in mind that these numbers are only as accurate as the fictitious data, ludicrous assumptions and wishful thinking they're based upon!'

"When I said to convince him of the need for change I was hoping you'd use the seductive power of reason and logic."

'So, now we have ascertained who is responsible...'

'Quick, Ted, get that one down on paper before you forget it.'

'Steve, I admire your determination to make this plan work.'

Santa sits in front of computers with naughty data and nice data screens.

A presenter with a very complex chart to explain a business plan - 'And it's as simple as that!'

'What kind of a mission statement is that?'

Three office doors: 'Idea People,' 'Make It Happen People,' and 'Make it Like This Never Happened People.'

OK, we've defined the project objectives. Now it's time to establish the stakeholders.

'Now this is exactly what I was referring to when I talked about 'scope creep'.'

"The meeting's at 10. I'll send you a copy of the agenda, the hidden agenda and your personal agenda."

'Why do it the easy way when you can do it the right way?'

'Now, who owns this project?'

"Today's top priority is prioritizing our priorities."

"Teleconferencing makes it just like they're in the room with us - things are unclear and difficult to understand."

-"I finished the project on time and on budget!" -"Right, next project you get less time and less money!"

'Now we're going to stay here until we reach our safety goal!'

'What we need is a decision, not more foot-dragging.'

Tug of Negotiation and Conciliation.

"It all began with trying to measure project outcomes."

"To be honest, the hardest part was the ISO certification."

'This isn't the meeting. This is the pre-premeeting to talk about when to meet and plan the meeting.'

'They've been like this ever since Mary presented her report. It's the worst case of paralysis by analysis I've ever seen!'

'Unfortunately when our last window of opportunity opened up, we mistakenly crawled out of it rather than into it.'